25.10.2005 21 °C
In the last episode I left you all at the end of our stay in Rio where I set up a rival drug cartel and exterminated all my rival bosses. Unfortunately I began to feel the heat from the cops so me and my moll decided to go to Buenos Aires last minute after hearing only good things about it. I´ll try to spare you the detail but the place is all plaza´s, monuments and shopping - like any other Western European city really such as Kettering. Everyone here looks like Javier Saviola which means I could recover from the headaches caused by eye strain that I developed from my roving eye in Rio. Managed to catch a Boca Juniors game against Newell Old Boy´s (NOB for short) where I witnessed a new born star called Rodrigo Palacio (watch this space) who plays a bit like Ibrahimovic but has a dodgy McFadden rats tail.
One of the things that appealed about Buenos Aires was the much vaunted nightlife I´d heard about. So on Friday night we wandered down to El Divino in the harbour, "the most beautiful nightclub in South America", hoping to cut up the rug until the day to some solid gold tunes. Thankfully I was spared the effort as it was shut. But hey, do not despair as they also have a Pacha and you can´t go wrong with Pacha, especially on a Friday night. And luckily I was not wrong as we entered the club ready to bust a move and show these daygo´s how you should dance in a more refined English-manner (as opposed to jumping around like a loon and waving your arms into my face all the time). Yep, those 15 year olds didn´t know what hit ´em when I arrived shaking my thang to the cool rock sounds of INXS and The Pretenders. Unfortunately, Alex couldn´t get into the spirit of things and we left the junior disco with haste.
That just topped the night off after I got stung by a villainous waiter who gave me a fake 20 peso bill in change after I tried to get out of a bar without paying (well the bouncer did tell me he would buy me the first one and as we only had one I didn´t feel obliged to part with my cash). The good thing about it was that the bill is worth no more than 3 pound fifty - f¿ck all in the Queen´s money but enough to keep that peasant living the Al Pacino lifestyle for a good year.
Yes, Argentina is well cheap - all you can eat for two squid with a bottle of the local brew to wash it down with. You can buy a Dior suit for 100 quid and a whole boudoir of female dwarfs for a pony. Argentina is also a really good place for losing bank cards. I managed to do it three times in a week - no problem. First I put Alex´s credit card in my shoe for safe keeping as I didn´t have the key to the more orthodox measure and proceeded to instantly forget I put it there or even tell Alex that I´d put it there. Cue panic at 3am and, after much calling HSBC to cancel the "lost" card, the surprise on my face when it turns up at the bottom of the trusty foot garment hours later ("how on earth did it get there?"). After that I managed to lose her debit card only minutes after putting the dam thing in a "secure" inside pocket. Then finally I withdrew some cash and managed to walk away from the ATM without recollecting my card (it´s the opposite cash/card removal to the UK, hence the confusion). So we´re now down to our last one, which I´ve since damaged after punching a taxi driver in the face last night (and which I fear will not work in the machine).
More of that though another time. In the meantime I leave it there except to tell you that after we left Buenos Aires we had another day in Rio (where me and Alex shared a few drink´s with some "chocolate" whores from Salvador in a local bar at 4 in the afternoon - "I am from Salvador. I am chocolate.") and then onto the Iguazu Falls which is the most spectacular thing I have ever seen (about 200 waterfalls each the size of Niagra and like coming after taking Viagra all running alongside each other) and probably the most spectacular natural wonder of the world.
NEXT: Voodoo Chile