We arrive in Paris and I break down – gutted. Yes we’ve still had good times. Yes we were knackered. But we only had 10 days left and it would have been nice to end it in a good way. But not like this. What now. What the fuck are we doing in shitty Paris. I’ve been here countless times before. Its cold and its raining. We’re not home yet but we might as well be. What now? We look at hiring a car. We look at getting the train to La Rochelle or somewhere but its hopeless so we decide to stay in Paris for a couple of nights and get sorted. And that’s what we done nearly all the time we were there. Ringing around, looking at the internet. We saw the Eiffel Tower from a distance (just down the road), we went for a walk round, through Le Jardin de Luxembourg. We went to the Sacre Coeur and enjoyed a nice meal. In between we booked flights from Gatwick to Malaga and hired a car for the week and rented out a town house in a nearby village to Malaga called Competa. The aim: to visit my good friend Whitley and his gal Shelby who since moved out to Nerja on the Costa del Sol to run a bar. On the way we would stay at Alex’s brothers in Sutton and see her niece who’s yet a year old.

Landing back in London was just as horrible as when we landed in London. Grey old Britain with grey old British faces. What a shit country this is I thought. Why and what are we doing back here? Thankfully, the next day we were off again to sunny Spain. We wanted to stay in Nerja but it was too hard at short notice. Competa was 15km and half an hour away but it was pure picturesque postcard. A real Andalucian town in the mountains. All white washed buildings, tapas bars and a charming church plaza. Luckily for us there was also a flamenco festival on during the evening and it was buzzin. Free homemade booze (a type of warm red wine) was flowing and it was a great cultural night. The next day we surprised our friends by popping in their bar with towels swarthed across our faces. They didn’t have a clue. It was the perfect surprise.

For the next week we enjoyed the sunshine, good food and good booze and catching up in the company of good mates. We had a couple of very drunken nights when Alex woke up to find her right wrist wasn’t working. A trip to the hospital told us nothing and she now had a floppy wrist rendered useless. It was funny watching her trying to apply make up or moisturiser or drink from a bottle with her spakky hand. We spent a nice day in Malaga and then it was home – finally. After a night in a hotel near Gatwick it was typical that getting back to Jersey would be the biggest nightmare out of all our travels. No problems with the tens of flights we took around the world for the last ten months. But the very last flight and back to shitty, shitty Jersey was pure grief. Two airplane cancellations and a delay for 14 hours. Horrible. We inevitably bumped into other people from Jersey we knew and now we knew it was all over. It was whole new low. The dream had ended – back to reality. Back to planning our next adventure. Three days later it was my best mate’s wedding in Jersey. Five days later we found out that Alex was pregnant.

No warning, no build up, no getting ready, no time to reflect on what we have done over the last 10 months. It is over. It was the time of our lives.

Evan Paul Lees was born on 5 May 2007. He is was conceived in Tokyo on 22 July and is only the one real tangible souvenir we have of our travels. He is amazing and we love and adore him. I life has turned completely upside down and its unbelievable that a year has nearly passed since we finished our trip of a lifetime. It went so quick because of the news that our lives have been a whirlwind. Time has flown by too quickly for our liking and because of what happened we still have not had a real good chance to reflect on what we done and I doubt we ever will. It’s over and we’ve had to move on. As at the time of writing we still haven’t even had our photos developed to look at and reminisce. Its sad but that’s the ways it gone. But nothing can match the bundle of joy that baby Evan has brought. And, again, it still was the time of our lives!!

Prologue - Back to Reality remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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We scaled up the Peak to get an awesome view of Hong Kong and did a bit of shopping. We went out for a drink but my night was soured by the fact that we were paying £5 a drink. It was ridiculous, especially as the Seven Eleven was selling tinnies at 25p a pop. The other good highlight was the light show put on by the buildings either side of the Hong Kong strait where these modern buildings light up and change colour to the tune of muzak. There was a bit of the old to be admired as well in this bastion of modernity with the little ferry’s, junk boats and trams. The whole place was alive with life and colour but the hecticness was starting to wear Alex out and the first cracks of it wanting to end started to appear. Not for me – I could carry on forever! Alex’s fear of everything also gave face once more. This time it was cyclones as went whipped up a frenzy across the peninsula. Luckily for her, after a few days, we headed across to China and capital Beijing.

Here we were instantly reminded how naïve we could all be as after umming and arring we jumped into a taxi that ripped us off. I was extremely pissed off with myself because I should have known better. Alex was extremely pissed off that such people exist. She was beginning to have enough.

Beijing was a good experience. We stayed in a nice apartment in a modern part of town. Despite the negative taxi experience we were both hardened travellers now who could put up with almost anything. But one thing Alex could not put with is my desire to walk, and walk and walk distances which I feel aren’t far but turn out to be a bit longer than expected. Monuments were also starting to wear thin. With all the talk about the fast growth of China I must say it ain’t evidenced much in Beijing. Granted there are some parts of it that are but this is 2006 for fucks sake. Otherwise its still very old looking even though it’s the biggest city in the world and fuck knows how its going to be ready for the Olympics in two years time. Its got some fucking building to do between now and then with a half finished main stadium and no other evidence of anything else. The infrastructure isn’t going be able to handle it either with just two small metro lines without any ticket machines and an old bird taking your ticket stub before letting you through.

Beijing is also quite a dirty city as the state of my feet could testify after all the walking – black. But its also got some good sites to visit with Tiananemen Square, Kingdom of Heaven, the Forbidden City and the Tomb of Mao. We tried to get into the latter but it was no good for all the queues. We also took in an acrobat show which was really good. And finally we went to see the amazing Great Wall of China which would have been even more amazing if we didn’t take a rollercoaster to get up to it, fed imprisoned bears fruit there, bobbed and weaved thousands of tourists, the red brick rebuilds, get pissed off with all the hard faced Chinky cunts and try to see all its miles of majesty through thick fog. I wanted to get to a quieter area and by the time we did it was time to head back to see the Ming Tombs. It was still great to have seen it but I felt cheated and hopefully I’ll go back one day to a much quieter part where its in its original state and you can see for miles.

And that was it. We headed back to Hong Kong for one more night before we were due to head to India for a few days. Neither of us were completely looking forward to India because of the reputation of being too hectic and too dirty and too in yer face. We were both tired, especially Alex who was at the end of her teather once we checked into our hostel in HK at 2am being hustled in and out of lifts by twats and then given a shithole room. But I wanted to see the Taj Mahal and I’d gone to a lot of trouble soritn our India visit out to be followed by a nice sunny break in Oman to finish the big trip off. A week to chill after all the hecticness in a nice hotel by the pool in the sunshine. Just relax get back to blightly all refreshed and lovin’ it.

But no. Oh no, that wouldn’t do. After checking in our bags at Hong Kong airport, I sat Alex down in a café and I went out for cigarette just before we go to the departure lounge. If only I could see what was coming. I should have been wiser having seen the TV earlier with pictures with the terrorism scares going on in London airports at the time. I finished my cigarette to find that Alex had disappeared. Waiting for her for ages she comes back all flustered and panicky. “What’s happened?” “I’m not going.” “Eh?” “I’m not going – there’s bombs in India. Its been on the news.” I instantly lose my rag “Its fuckin’ shite…we’ll be fine… it’s these Yank cunts putting unnecessary fear into everyone..fucking media and their moral panics…” and so. I am fuckin livid. Alex’s is in a state of complete nervous anxiety. She’s fucked. I’m pissed off – can’t believe our trip is going to be over just like that. “Well we’re not fuckin going back home.. look at the news in London.” I try to reason with her but its hard as she ain’t listening – convinced that she ain’t going. Convinced that there’s going to be trouble. The state she’s in we can’t really go. Its hard for me to reason as well when I’m so fucking angry. We go to see someone at Cathay Pacific who says that she hasn’t heard anything and that everythings fine. Perhaps in hindsight we should have rung the British Embassy but we can’t think clear enough. There isn’t enough time because we’re supposed to be boarding. After much on-off on-off will we go won’t we, we change our flights to Paris and get our bags taken off the plane. I cannot even look at Alex. Angry is too lenient a word. All of a sudden our trip, our big adventure is over – just like that.

Panic!! The end is nigh remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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It gave a good taste of what Tokyo is like though, with the bustle, the neon lights and large outdoor tv screens for advertising, high rise buildings everywhere - the future. Or is it? In someways it looks like the future but what the future looked like back in 1982.

The Tokyo experience was quite cool with good shopping available for midgets. Trying clothes and trainers were a no no - nothing in size XXXXXXXXXL that I needed. It was joyful place to be. We took a look at the old town as well which was cooll but looked a bit out of place. There’s no place for history here.

But it was here, on the secind night that something major happenned that would change our lives. Not that we’d knew at the time but the effect was devasting. In one way it was the best thing that could ever happen. But it was also a major fuck up.

After a few nights we headed to Kyoto, the main tourist place in Japan, om the famous ‘bullet train’. Fuck it was fast. We travelled the length of the UK in just over two hours. What struck me though was the endless urbanisation and industrialisation of the country. You could see that there maybe some nice countryside to be viewd from the window of the train if it wasn’t for the infinite urban sprawl that went on for 400 miles. In a way it was slughtly upsetting.

Kyoto was nice enough place - full of history - full of temples and shrines . We did the best we could to visit them all but except for a handful of more larger complexes it was quite monotonous and the architecture was typical but never astounding. It was good walking around some of the old town with its narrow streets, the infamous geisha girls scampering to the next appointment. We hired bikes out and done it Nip-style. And then we moved on to a little pretty (by Japanese standards) town up in the Japanese Alps called Takayama. This was a minute version of the old town of Kyoto, very historic, untouched in some parts - quaint. We stayed in a minshuku, a typical Japanese Inn, all rice paper walls, dressing gowns, hot spring, slippers, futons and a hearty Jap breakfast. Otherwise we fed ourselves on cheap miso noodles, sake and beer from a street vending machine. Anything to get by on because eating was such a nightmare. Restaurants looked closed (you had to knock on doors, used a different alphabet let alone language and you didn’t know what you were getting - so we relied on pointing at pictures at the cheap places or plastic replicas of what you were getting which appeared in the front window).

There was also a bit of a festival on while we there which kept us entertained for hal an hour. Then we got the bus back to Tokyo for a couple more nights before headed to our next adventure. On both the train and bus journeys we hoped to see Mount Fuji but it was so cloudy we only caught sight of its navel. But at least on the bus journey we saw a bit (and only a bit of pleasant landscape).

Back in Tokyo, we stayed nearer the old town in a ryoken (much the same as a minshuku) and tried to catch the largest firework display in Japan . We were late and missed most of it but I can’t expect it to be that great an experience. For the locals though it was better than shitting in your worst enemies face. The excited oohs, aaahs and screams at each firework that even Kettering Rugby club could put to shame was a little over exuberant to say the least. But we loved Japan. Such a place of contrasts and contradictions. Very, very cool. Where you saw the next Toni & Guy broncage and typical Japanese styles and warped Westernisation. Pretty little dolls innocently gigling away with posing males. Hospitality without losing ones sense of theirselves. It was a nothing of a place but oh so great. It was the only place place we really got a good and lasting souvenir from. But it wern’t that different at the same time. It weren’t that difficult. For up their own are Yanks who try to make subtle French type films with an imperialistic and ignorant views like Copollas who make “Lost in Translation” it might be. But the only thing lost in translation for us was some food which weren’t noodles or rice.

Turning Japanese remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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Being 30 for me means getting old and I don’t like getting old. Unfortunately, it was a pity that all those around me don’t quite have the same outlook. Gone are the long hours (days) of partying for these suckers. My birthday was actually the next day and although a few of us made it out for the free festival over the road from our flat, they all crashed and burned by the evening. Very lame. So it was up to me to carry on alone with three girls (none of them my own) until the routine kick out by the bouncers at 3am who are averse to my customary glazed expression. Thats said, by then I was very pissed and had to get out the taxi 500 yards before its final destination to do some lying down on the floor. Unfortunately this comfort was short lived as I was politely awoken by a Chinaman “no sleep here, no sleep here” after which he kindly walked me along the road until he went a bit too far and held my hand. Now normally I would have reacted in the befitting manner of any alpha male who had his heterosexuality comprimised and simply waved the oriental fag away which as far as I remember done the trick. What is worrying is that I seem to have had a subsequent black out and by the time I had came to I found myself walking around a completely unrecogniseable part of town. I flagged down a taxi and it soon occured to me that I had walked a good 2 miles past my flat at least. Luckily all my clothes and cash were in tact so I safely assume that I wasn’t arse raped in an opium den somewhere and was just a little disorientated in my drunken stuppour.

The following weeks were a routine of work, get pissed on the Friday, Cinema on the Tuesday, DVD on a Sunday. A few big nights came and went but eventually the routine was getting to me and I jacked in the job in time for the World Cup. Unfortunately I couldn’t jack in my lightweigtedness and the fact that the games were being played at 11pm, 1am, 3am and finally 5am, soon took their toll. That said there were some great World Cup moments - none of them involving England. None more so when Australia and South Korea beat Japan and Togo respectively, and the big roadblocking street parties at 3 and 5 in the morning that followed. The large Korean population were especially enthusiastic but their impeccable conformity was the highlight of the celebrations. First, they lined the streets cheering, waving their flags, blowing their horns across the road from each other. Then, when the green man told them to cross they joined in the middle to congratulate each other. But as soon as the red man returned they quickly scampered back to the pavements. Eventually after about 10 minutes if this, they rightfully just said sod it and sealed off the main thoroughfare causing the police to redirect the traffic.

The World Cup had started promisingly but by the end it turned out to be a bit of a bore I thought as negative tactics took hold. That and the fact that England were typically amateur, incohesive, passionless and, well, shite.

It was all drawing to a close. Me and Alex took in a night of classical music at the Opera House (Holst) and a champagne and oyster cruise around the stunning harbour. Then the house finished off our mini era with a big caneage session with Gene Farris djing at a central club and at 5 mins before closing I naturally got chucked out for being too wrecked. I really need to stop letting my face looked more relaxed than I actually am and then there wouldn’t be any bother.

So the Sydney experience was over and me and Alex were back on the road/in the air. There were still more exciting times ahead.

The Sad Loss of Youth remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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Cairns was our base for the next few nights and from there we enjoyed the tropical weather, a boat trip to Fitzoy Island out in the Great Barrier Reef for a nice spot of lunch and a chill on a beautiful beach, and a two day adventure through Daintree rainforest and Cape Tribulation. The was a great little experience as we headed back into relative wilderness and a chance to encounter some of Oz’s famous crocodiles. What we didn’t bargain for was how close our encounter would be. Enjoying the sunshine, we decided to lay our towels on the beach next to a creak and not far from the undergrowth. Just as we were falling in to sunshiney bliss about 10 minutes later we had some bloke quickly approach us.

“You do know there’s a big croc just over there didn’t ya?”
“Er….no!.”
“He’s just there”

Yep, no further than 20 metres away sat some big mama croc eyeing up her dinner – us. It was time to move one.

After that perilous adventure, we took the Greyhound bus down the East Coast making various stops along the way. A washed night out in Mission Beach, followed by a couple of nights chilling on Magnetic Island. After that we stayed in the larger town of Townsville, part Hicksville, part cool little getaway, where we enjoyed a few beachy days, wine and a bit of nice food. It was also the place to watch England get knocked out of the World Cup by Portugal and for me to get aggro with everyone around me as a consequence.

Next stop was the cool, young town called Airlie Beach where we were meeting up with some of Alex’s pals from Sydney for a 3 day cruise round the Whitsundays Islands. Now this was one of the highlights of the entire adventure that we have been on. Truly amazing. We sailed for three days around beautiful islands in the Great Barrier Reef. The weather was amazing, we had top quality food fed to us and a nice relaxing spa on deck. During the first day of sailing we anchored up somewhere and went kayacking (formerly known as canoeing) which ended up just being one big water fight as tiger sharks nipped at our ankles. Then came the second day. First we went to Whitehaven beach, the most beautiful beach I have ever been too and with good reason because it is the best beach in the world. It is completely unspoilt as nature intended but my words can’t do it any justice so take a look at picture below. Then in the afternoon we all went snorkling at another bay in archipelago. This was a big struggle for many of us especially me as I couldn’t quite master the breathing through a tube under water thing and the slight panic everytime I touched some of the slimy coral. So I was a bit apprehensive when it came to the scuba diving that followed. I needn’t be. My fishphobia went straight out of the window as I glided through the abyss. Scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef is absolutely amazing, one of the greatest experiences of my life. It is just another world down there with walls, corridors and valleys full of colourful coral, fish and other sea creatures. It was so much easier than snorkelling as well and you can see everything around you just in case one of those wily old sharks happened to sniff you out. It was breathtaking (though not enough to induce panic when twenty metres under the ocean!)

Another day of that and we were back on dry land for the first time in three days. Me and Alex wobbled off the boat, got washed up and then headed for the long overnight trip to Hervey Bay for our next adventure. Hervey Bay was the base for our 4x4 “off-road” adventure around Fraser Island. In a group of eight we were given a 4x4 jeep and some tents and sent packing to hurtle around the largest sandy island in the world for 3 days – with me as designated driver (when not under the influence). As many people who have experienced my driving can testify – you imagine that this was one hell of an adrenaline rush as I sped around narrow bumpy sandy lanes and across miles and miles of beaches, dodging dingoes along the way. We could also see humpback whales frolicking in the sea and at night the bags of goon (cheap boxed wine) were a flowing (coupled with a few Jamaican Woodbines that made me realise why I stopped smoking that shit in the first place). There beautiful crystal clear lakes to dip into and sand banks to board down. Alex even got brave and took a moonlit dip in shark infested waters!

The east coast of Australia is an amazing trip and everyone who comes here does. We completed the journey via well-healed Noosa Heads to Byron Bay where we learned how to surf. Being a cumbersome galoot that wasn’t easy to me but to my chagrin Alex was a natural. We also took in a day “trip” to Nimbin, a small town in the middle of nowhere where ganja is legal. Me and Alex had a few homemade cookies from the local hippies but we were too cautious to get any real effect.

And so we went from there back to Cairns (which included flying over the Great Barrier Reef and getting a birds eye view of its majesic glory) for the last couple of days of our Australia experience. It had been one been a brilliant one and the place will have many fond memories. But now it was time to go as our incredible journey drew to a close with one final leg to go. A month in Japan, Hong Kong, Agra in India and the Oman.

East Coastin' it remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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Fauna:
Sharks, tropical fish, stingrays, humpback whales, emus, koalas, kwokkas, kangaroos, parrots, galahs, lizards (large and small), crocs, snakes, spiders, possoms, fruit bats, wallabies and dingoes.

Cities:
Sydney for the beaches, Melbourne for the vibe and Perth for the weather and the Sunday arvo sessions.

Beaches:
So many. Bondi for what it represents and its natural extreme wave machine. Cottosloe and Rottnest near Perth. Hamelin Bay and Esperance in WA. But the ultimate was Whitehaven in the Whitsundays. Sheer bliss.

Journies:
There's the Great Ocean Drive and a sailing trip for three days but then there was also the campervan experience down the south of Western Australia (best bit: driving through the old gold mining ghost towns)

Food:
Usual stuff with a bit of kanga

Booze:
Loads of types of lager as you would expect, mot of it standard crap but cheap. Best by a long way was the Cooper's Pale Ale.

Music:
At night electro. By day thee cool laid back grooves of surfer's favourite Jack Johnson and his angrier bredwin Ben Harper.

Regrets:
Not having the time or money to experience the Northern Territory including Kakadu, King's Canyon and, of course, the drunken Aboriginees - I mean Ayre's Rock - the centrepiece of the country.

And another thing:
Scuba dived in the Great Barrier Reef which was one of the most amazing experiences ever.

Rough Guide to Quite a Lot of Oz remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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Now No.4 has actually caused me a lot of bother because of how ridiculous and petty these tw@ts are. "How many drinks have you had?" (None?), "Are you intoxicated?" (No, I'm tee-f*ckin' total, what do think?), "I.D.?" (Seriously!), "No not you" and "Get out". Not being happy with this kind of coersion I've made my point felt on few occasions meaning that I'm either barred or that I can hope that they forget my face, or, in some extreme cases, I have to completely avoid the area for fear of retribution from a 6ft 5 brick outhouse relation to Jonah Lomu. Neverthless, their pedantic ways has continuosly ruined what could have been a good night out, but then a night out here has never been that straightforward. Hopefully that can all be changed (It hadn't - I got chucked out of the same bar twice on Saturday by the same person - just different levels - 2 hours apart - bring on this Saturday when we go out on a rare and much awaited lads night) .

So above is the negative of whats happened over the last 2 months, which I feel is always worth a better story in some ways than the good things. But despite all that there has been many good occasions of late. Its just that this has been more stressful and less enjoyable thanks to the reemergence of work and routine, which I hate and I'm looking forward to quitting soon, then after a few weeks watching the World Cup at four in the morning thorugh a dreary haze, hitting the road again towards Queensland where my mate Lenno is from and then Asia. I suppose after a while this is the norm and you take things for granted as well. I mean I am having the time of my life on the otherside of the world with the love of mylife and good friends like Ol' man Fritz The Albino Negro. I've had some ok nights out - there's not many bars I haven't been to or thrown out of in Sydney. I've met some ok people on the way, wound up a few Aussies and met up with old jersey faces like Hayley's Boss (Cummins) and Cavenagh, Laura Martin and Sean Durkin. I also bumped into an old friend Mark, who used to go out with my old Uni housemate Nicole, in a bar where he was working. He's been here 4 years and recently won bar manager of the year with a full page spread on him in one of the national daily rags. On the flipside the poor s0d also told me how he caught Nicole in bed with another bloke days after they split which was news to me (albeit very amusing).

Me and the bird also caught De la Soul live in concert which was cool (although they didn't play all of the 'classics'), an Aussie Rules match and a Rugby League. Went to the Blue Mountains which were beautiful the other week but is more massive canyon than anything, and had a few more days lazin' down the beach (although that is no longer possible because its 23 degress outside and freezing...somehow...which I cannot quite comprehend). Thought I was a goner a few times as well trying to body surf in the strong rip ending up getting flipped over heals over head, bashed against the seabed 20ft under and scrambling for air and the dear life of me. We've had a couple of house parties as well in our flat and I took Alex up to the posh revolving restaurant at the top of Sydney tower for her birthday. And all in all I suppose we ain't done too bad - its just all calmed down a bit.

In the meantime I look forward to hearing more about your dull lives, like the mate who got caught with his pants down by his (only just) ex-girlfriend, the mate who soiled his pants, the upcoming or already had stag do's and the mate who experimented with a hamster and a Dyson vacuum cleaner in a low-rent br0thel with a Slovakian girl in Leytonstone - keep 'em comin!

Next Episode: My surprise 30th party and my 'missing' few hours after an encounter with a Chinaman.

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The day Fitz and Sophie were to leave Alex's sister Natalie and her Oirish mate Fiona flew over to join us as well and two days later us four went on a two week road trip round Western Australia in a beast of a campervan. We only wanted a four berth but were given a six berth and I got off to a great start driving the damn thing when I got stuck in an indoor car park with height restrictions. After that though I managed to tame the beast (we named her Helga) and I was riding her without any problems, bar some close shaves with a few kangeroos and emus, getting the best out of the German bitch. Although we were driving a bit too much at times (Oz is a massive country) we had a great laugh and saw some amazing places on the way, including some great beaches, the best we've seen in a life - white sands and warm(ish) turquoise waters.

We went inland to the outback for a short while passing through some fly infested ghost towns from the goldstruck era to see what they call REAL Australia. I also took a particular interest in going to a larger gold mining town called Kalgoorlie because there, I read that many of the pubs there had girls dressed in just their bra and knickers serving you your beer. Unfortunately though it seemed that the tradition was dying out and were being replaced by "trendy wine bars". I mean I could go to them anywhere!! We also had a great night one night where, once my back was turned, all these ugly hicks started blatantly hitting on the girls. As you can imagine, they loved it!

Also on the trip we tried our hand at a bit of sandboarding where Alex almost broke her neck before heading back to Perth where we all had long-distant relatives we were to visit, which were all very pleasant. Mine were my dads cousins and their family and Alex and Natalie had the grandad's cousin and his family. Then it was off to Melbourne (including where we stayed with Natalie and her mate for a week before coming back to Sydney which is where I am now -trying to find a job which no-one is prepared to give me.

We did contemplate staying in Melbourne instead because it was a really cool city and because the poor man's olympics were on but in the end Sydney's beaches and better weather won the day and at first I was glad to be back after a few luscious days down Bondi. But after a few run-in's with the local monkey men and the fact that I don't want to f*ckin work let alone running around not getting one anyway, has really bitten my @rse. But nevermind. There's still a bit of fun to be had around this city just yet. And at least its better than being back home. Oh, and guess what? we've only got a flat with Fitzy and Sophie.

Ah yeah! remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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Fauna:
Ocean mammals mainly such as sealions, seals, sperm whales and dolphins. Birds included keas and an eagle I nearly ran over.

Cities:
Wellington was coolest mainly because they had put some sort of free festival type thingy in the middle of it while we were there. Auckland had a nice waterfront. Christchurch was just shite.

Beaches:
Most of the beaches were good but those at Abel Tasman National Park were amazing.

Extreme Sport:
The bungy swing was scary but nothing could beat the sky dive. Nothing.

Journies:
The road to Milford Sound was just amazing with the landscape dramatically changing all the time.

Food:
Usual stuff.

Booze:
Speights Ale is one of the best beers I've ever had, while the rest was pretty standard fayre. The wine was pretty good too.

Music:
Once agaain reggae is the music of choice, in particular dub and roots. Check out Fat Freddy's Drop for a good example.

Regrets:
Only not having enough time to see and do more.

Just a Bit of a Rough Guide to New Zealand remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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Sweet as bro remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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I weren't too bothered about coming to Australia but I tell you what Sydney, on first impressions, and the country as a whole, is f*cking great. Most people are just happy, friendly and chilled out and Sydney itself is a beautiful city with its Harbour bridge, sky tower, harbour and Opera House, beautiful women and beaches. There's no doubt its got to be one of the most picturesque cities in the world, especially around the harbour. It's also supposed to be behing England but to be honest I found it to be the opposite. There's a lot going about it and a lot of things going on to keep you occupied. The only draw back was that by coming back into the "first world" I found that all the civil liberities I was enjoying in South America were taken away from me. Like England, and more so the US, there are too many rules regarding your every movement. For example, at the beach suburb of Manly there this big "Welcome to..." sign, then a list of things you can't do underneath. No smoking, no drinking, no dr"gs, no spiking other people's drinks. Well after I read that I knew there was no place for me there and I had to distribute my big bag of rohypnol pills somewhere else.

Now the main reason why we came to Sydney was to spend New Year's together as one big faaaaaaaaaaaamily. And Sydney is meant to be pretty spectular at that time of the year. The problem for me is that I still can't really confirm whether it is or not. Having spent a whole night and next morning trying to get drunk and failing I now considered myself somekind of uberdrinker banging down the octupal measures. How stoopid I was. For those who know my Jersey life know how endearing I am to Natalie's friends, otherwide known as the Clan, and there were a few members over at the same time who I could not avoid although in someways it was preferable, such as Joanne McConnell, Ainsley Aherne (one of the few I haven't offended yet) and Rebecca Reynolds (who I was just about to). By eleven I was displaying my unhappinness with Rebeccas liberty taking ignorance I was told in no uncertain terms to get a grip on myself or something along those lines. Well I'm a taurus and if you're going to show me a red rag then don't expect me to my horns to myself. "Who the f"ck are you talking to you skeleton-faced b!tch". Oscar Wilde himself would have been proud of my display of wit.

By midnight we were out watching the fireworks display, with me barely able to keep my eyes open. An hour later I was wondering around the streets of Sydney on my own trying to sober up, revisiting the party through one door and leaving it through another almost simultaneously. Two hours later I found myself being woke up by a steward from a particular comfy part of a wall. Not to worry too much because I found Alex in just as bad a state as I was. And so a great night was had by all.

Before we left Sydney I was determined to at last get down to some funky tunes at a proper dance club (to this day that is still to be had) and I went out with my bird, her sistr and her Sydney mates with that as my goal. So it was f*ckin' great when Alex deciced at 12 that she was too p!ssed and wanted to go home. She left with Natalies (male) roommate with the keys to my apartment and my bank cards. I was also left with a couple of right Oirish muppets as well, as the only other ones I liked had left with their respective birds and Natalie had left with some Kiwi fella. P!ssed off, I went home then realised that Alex was going to stay back at Natalies gaff (why, when we were just staying down the road, you might very well ask). You needed a swipe card to get in Natalies block of apartments so I was ringing the buzzer incessantly to get their attention (not realising I was ringing the wrong number). Continuously being ignored , the anger was rising, so I made an attempt to break in to our apartment (a different one to which we shared with the Arris Family). Thinking my work was successful, I opened the balcony patio doors to find that I was in the wrong room! Luckily it was vacant and I contemplated staying there for the night. However, I thought better of this and decided to try again at Natalie's flat. Again no joy so I was left with no alternative but to wonder around the streets of Sydney all f*ckin' night. On the way though I actually passed the nightclub I wanted to go to but by this time my feet were k!lling me and there was no chance I was going to cut up the dancefloor on my todd at 3 in the morning. Sometime later I was back at Natalie's ringing someone elses doorbell until some guy arrived and invited me to come up to his mates gaff for a few bevvies. So I joined him the plush balcony of a penthouse apartment with stunning panoromic views over Sydney with remote control curtains which was owned by some Cambodian diplomat, having the most boring conversation of my life. I still had time to fall asleep fully clothed on Bondi Beach a 45 minutes bus ride away before I got back to my apartment and aim a volley of abuse towards Alex because of my wierd and shitey night.

And that was Sydney, for now. But I would be back for some more mayhem at a later date. Not long after we were off to New Zealand, which is where I'll pick it up again next.

National Lampoon's New Years Vacation remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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Heavy Traffik remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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Find out in the next episode how I wreaked my revenge on the Chilean populous by singing "Where´s Yer Mama Gone?" to orphaned victims of the Pinochet regime.

Voodoo Chile remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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NEXT: Voodoo Chile

Argy Bargy in the City of Good Sheep remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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The first part of the trip I won't bore you with (a visit to the Big K - Gazza's newly adopted home - and a lock-in till 3am in the famous Woolly, followed by Surrey to see Alex's new born niece).

So we arrived in our hotel in Rio following a 12 hour flight that two Jersey Beans (Richard Trott and girlfriend) had also sat in - 4 rows in front of us in a jumbo jet - with Alex worried to leave the our room. Thanks to a lot of ignorant people a seed had been sewed into her head that Rio was like Beirut in the midst of civil war. To go to the shop over the road we had to call a taxi. Fortunately this attitude didn't last too long and within a couple nights and a few caiperinha's she was shouting at the local 12 year old street urchins for selling the finest free base in Ipanema before you could say "run". Thanks to that episode the next time we ventured in to the bar next to where they were selling it Alex got Bodie and Doyle to cover her back while she left through the back exit.

To be honest there is a lot of bad stuff thrown about Rio but, although you have to be vigilant (or a vigilante in Alex's case), there isn't much to worry about. Everyoné's really friendly and everyone's cool. I was actually a bit disappointed at first. I've always dreamed of Rio - for the football, the beaches and sunshine, the nightlife, the beautiful women, the guncrime - so you can imagine how I felt when my ball burst, the weather was overcast, the evenings were dead, the women ugly and no shoot outs were witnessed. Thankfully a few days later it began to brighten up. A move to the more affluent Ipanema area of Rio also proved my theory that as a general rule the good looks of females depend upon a good upbringing in life.

Once the weekend arrived we could move away from the comfortable habitat of drinking in the McDonalds of watering holes i.e. Shenanigans, Murphy´s, Peasant Potato Picker etc and indulge in some authentic Brazillian nights. Things didn´t get off to a good start when Alex read that a place I wanted to go to was in a ¨sketchy hood¨. I didn´t even have to tell her about the bloke who witnessed a man being shot 6 times in the back in the same area to ensure a night in (the London Metropolitan Police had stepped up their efforts in search for terrorists apparently - bu-boom, tish!). However the next night we were both samba-ing away in another sketchy hood in what can only be decribed as a community centre, not unlike Ise Lodge, but with a few thousand neon lights and a stage. On the stage a band played music relentlessly dishing out the same song three times at least at a minimum 20 minutes at a time. Then now and again some carnival girls would come out in full regalia (basically a few tassles and a feather) and shake their hypnotic @rses. Meanwhile some of the gringo´s were trying to get it on with local girls whilst under the watchful gaze of the girls mothers.

That was a pretty cool night but I have done nothing as cool as what we did the next night - favella funk party. This was at a warehouse in the middle of a shanty town where the local peasantry got down to the latest Brazillian ragga/hip hop. If you´ve seen City of God it was exactly like the place where Lil´ Ze mate got killed. Beer was at 20p a pop and by the end of the night I was giving it the ol´ ¨yeah safe as¨ routine with all the young hustlers and hoodlums while Alex was grinding it with this big f?ck off black mutha f?cka (who I duly asked outside for some toe-to-toe Marquis of Queensbury style). In between these nights we went to some run down concrete disaster to watch the big Rio derby between Vasco de Gama and Flamengo (2-1). The match wasn´t much cop but the atmosphere was amazing. The noise was so intense and relentless, even more so as we were mixing it with the hardcore (and a yank tourist inspired by Elijah Wood´s recent acting roles). Dancing, singing, jumping around, the samba beat a constant - I don´t think there is another atmosphere like it.

By now it was time to leave Rio as the weather weren´t the best and we got a last minute deal to Buenos Aires. We also done the more mundane touristy things like sugar loaf mountain, Christ the Redeemer and a Maracana stadium tour (where I played keepie-uppies with a local in a manner that Peter Kay would have been proud of - the fact I managed to juggle the ball more than twice brought an honest surprise to the man and calls of ¨very good, very good¨ after I had him I was English). A few other funny moments happened along the way like the rent boy at our rooftop swimming pool being asked to swim a couple of lengths for the pleasure of his client - and me p!ssing myself to leave the client looking embarrassed and the rent boy praying to Christ who was visible on a nearby mountain top.

NEXT: Argy Bargy in the City of Good Sheep

Rockin in Rio remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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Thanks to all the gatecrashers, liggers and blaggers who turned up for our leaving party and made sure that we at least looked slightly popular.

It was a great send off and we'll miss you all...probably.

See yous in 10 months to never.

Love

Alex and Paul

Our Leaving Party remains copyright of the author leesio, a member of the travel community Travellerspoint.

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